As I wake this morning, I have no desire to move, for fear of forgetting love and losing what isn’t even mine. I fell so hard for Ian, yet I don’t even know his last name. He made me feel as special and loved as any guy ever has, and yet we were never even together. I cried for hours yesterday, not because I was lonely, but out of fear that I would never see Ian again. I miss him more than I can say. I feel like I am a unique person every day, but it’s rare that someone like Ian comes along and makes me feel so special and beautiful and lovesick. My heart aches for him. I imagined myself falling in love with him so many times over the last week. I imagined the love we’d share and I imagined never letting him go. I could’ve spent the rest of my life deeply in love with him, I guess fate just isn’t on my side.
I spent the last week at Jazz Camp, the second year I’ve been there. I always get incredibly emotional while there, surrounded by the things I love, music, cute boys, and a common love for Jazz. I feel so special when I’m there playing music with people that love it just as much as I do. I love those people, because they get who I am. I love Ian because he loved me. I love him because he’s so sweet and cute and funny. I love him because I felt so at home with him. And now I feel like I’m loosing him.
Love touches us all in different ways. It makes us feel happy; It makes us feel lonesome; It makes us cry; It makes us feel completely passionate and involved with someone. That’s why I love love. I almost enjoyed crying yesterday. It made me feel that at least I loved someone so much that I had a reason to cry, a reason to live, a reason to keep on living and loving. I feel no reason to move on though. I almost want to continue feeling lost without Ian, just because it reminds me of him and all the feelings that I had for him. It reminds me of every minute I loved being with him. Maybe I hold on to long, maybe I move to fast, maybe I never forget. But all these things are me, the person I am and will always be.
Music holds a special place in my heart. It lets me feel; it lets me dream; it lets me hold on too long and love to much. Music lets me express that which cannot be expressed with words and lets me love every moment of every day. It lets me think of all the people I love, the places I remember so well, and the love that I can’t forget. I try to put love and rememberance like this into everything I do as an artist. I am an artist of music, of fashion, of design, of love. Love is my art.
I feel lovesick and lost, I just want some way to never forget Ian. I would give everything to spend the rest of my life with someone like Ian, someone who makes me feel so special and warm inside. I want someone to inspire, someone to be inspired by, someone to rest my head against and look out over the world with. I want someone like Ian. I want someone who loves every day of their lives, the tears and the laughter equally. I want someone who makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. I want someone who makes me fall in love with them more and more each day, just as Ian did. I fell in love with Ian, maybe too fast, but truly in love. I fell for that smile, that personality, that person. I fell in love so fast, but it felt so real and so right. That’s the way love should feel, right? Like crying and laughter and heartbreak every day. It should feel so right and yet so wrong. It should feel real and never ending. That’s what love feels like for me. That’s why I love the lovesick blues, it makes me feel what love truly is, and what it will be. I let out my love through the music and the art and the designing. Art and love and life are all one for me. I love Ian, and I always will. I love the lovesick blues. I love life, and I always will love it in some inexplicable way.
Love, Ethan Brown Jones