Feelings of Music

Sitting up there, you feel as though everything just falls away, as though there’s nothing left, as if it’s only you, you and the light, the music, and the emotions. Nothing really matters when you’re up there; you can just express yourself and your feelings, free from fear of persecution. Each moment is different from each of the others. And each one in turn slips away into the past, never to be expressed, felt, cherished, or loved again.

Copper-colored strings stretch out under a heavy, black sky of dark wood which dissolves into the repetitive two-tone rows of keys. The bench stands firm and attentive beneath me, waiting for something monumental to occur. The connection from my fingertips to the keyboard is electrically tangible. Only the piano and I have ever spoken like this before; it’s a conversation so intimate and deep that it will never be heard or spoken the same way again. Only we have danced like this before, felt like this before, expressed this deep, intricate, passionate, mysterious love for each other before. We are singly committed to each other and to the creation of music, an art form as emotional as it is deeply meaningful.

I have never laughed with, loved, enjoyed, and harmonized with another person in the same way as when playing music with them. The instruments, the people, and the sounds all come together in an unbreakable, intense bond. Love is produced in many ways, but only through music is it as intimate and deep.

It’s that connection that gives me hope that one day the world will be a better place and that we will all realize the similarities between all of us through the power of music. We are all deeply intertwined whether it’s immediately visible or not. Music removes the veils of ignorant hate, unearthing the complex connections beneath.

Never have I listened, talked, and conversed better than when sitting before a piano. The ecstasy can never be felt any other way. Only through the piano can I fully live and express the way I must to live on another day. The piano and I will never be apart. We are connected physically, emotionally, and most importantly, intimately.

I feel more emotions and feelings through music than I have ever felt any other way. Music changes us and it makes us feel things differently. We will never be the same people again, but the music will always be with us.

Love, Ethan Brown Jones

Why Do We Fear Change?

change-management-word-cloud-from-wordle-net

I fear that which I cannot predict yet I also fear the truth.

Why is it that we fear change so much? Life moves on around us constantly and it would seem that we are rooted firmly in the past, knowing not what the future holds and resenting ourselves immensely for that. We like stability and security, and so change scares us.

I have always felt like a person who’s prepared for whatever comes my way. But recently I have feeling substantially more fearful of the future. I will be moving not only towns soon, but also to a new state and region entirely, and I will be doing that alone. I think we fear change in this way because it is a loss of security, a loss of basic comforts that we must face alone. When we embrace change, we are going out on a limb and becoming someone new; we are doing that entirely on our own, and that frightens us.

In our everyday lives, although we may not realize it, we are constantly met by things that are normal for us and thus subconsciously comforting. And so when life changes, we are then forced to acquire new comforts and create new normalcy in our new lives. Newness is what scares us; we are afraid of the unknown future. But we must travel on in our lives, or we will never go anywhere.

Change is often the best thing for us, but it is also one of the scariest things. We fear change mainly because it means that all we have known will not be the same anymore which is undeniably terrifying for everyone on this earth.

As I look back at my life thus far, there have not been many changes of magnitude. But as I look forward, my career, my location, and my personal life are all uncertain which alarms me. I am a person who likes to be in control and the fact that I am not and will not be for a least a little while horrifies me.

What we all need to realize though is that we are the sole creators of our future and we have the power to change our destiny any way we want to. In my own life, I have realized that while I make the transition from rural Colorado to Long Island, New York, I must be willing to sacrifice some control for the benefits that the change will generate. And I must also be willing to step up and take control of my life to change my life the way I want to change it.

I was talking to someone the other day who was describing how she was close to retirement and scared of both a change in her future financial security and a change in her purpose in life. And the primary emotion I heard was fear, fear for the future and of things she could not control. And what I thought to myself was that this woman had a right to be scared. I understood her fear, because I have those same types of concerns for my future.

I think people are remarkably similar and vulnerable too, when it comes to their fears for the future. But what we all must realize is that fear of change is okay, but we must embrace change in order to move forward. Change is a piece of life and it’s the reason that life is interesting.

So accept your justified concerns as a way of comprehending your options. And overall, embrace your future and live your life the way you want to live it; change is just part of the journey.

Love, Ethan Brown Jones

Risking it All

Lonesome Tree On A Hill II

Life lessons come along everyday for me. One of the most recent lessons revealed itself to me last night while I was journaling and watching TV. On the show I was watching, a woman said something that really stuck with me. She said that although you can cherish and appreciate the lessons and values your parents have given you, you are not your parents, you are you, something special. Now as cliche and overdone as that lesson may be, it for some reason stuck with me. I think it’s maybe because I have had somewhat of a struggle with my own parents. For all the love they give me, they also seem to hold me back because of the values they believe in. They want me in some ways to be like them and not be who I am. The truth is, I’m very different from my parents. I care much more about fashion and trends then they do. I’m not saying that I am simply superficial though, I’m not.  I do care about so many other important things in life, but fashion is a part of me. And to me fashion is not just something stupid and superficial.

Fashion is about expression and being a true example of me. It’s about being able to show off the person I want to be, and showing that I am unique and one of a kind. Yes I wear makeup and and feminine clothes, but it’s because that’s me, not anybody else. I am not who my parents are and I never will be. It’s not because I’m trying to rebel against them, but I am my own person which is very different from them.

And although my parents won’t ever realize this, its not like this has been easy for me either. The looks I get some times make me want to just evaporate into thin air. But I have made myself immune to what other people think of me, because I have realized that nothing is more important to me than retaining who I am and never backing down. Although most people don’t realize it, I am risking it all to be me. I risk being beat up in the streets every day. I risk being yelled at, hated against, and discriminated against for who I am. I risk not being able to work where I want to or live how I want to just because of who I am and what I look like. All I am saying is that it isn’t just my parents or friends or family who has to deal with me being gay, wearing what I want, and being who I am. I risk everything every day, because I will not be silenced. I will not look down or back away ever. I am so much stronger and more confident than almost anybody in this world. And I risk it all to be me, the gay fashionista, designer, and artist. Fashion is all about confidence and expression, and that is who I am and will always be. I will never be someone who I’m not for anybody in this world. Friends, family, boyfriends, nobody can push me to be someone I’m not. I risk it all because I believe in me and every single person in this world who is discriminated against for who they are. Risk it all, and never back down!

Love Ethan Brown Jones