Feelings of Music

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Sitting up there, you feel as though everything just falls away, as though there’s nothing left, as if it’s only you, you and the light, the music, and the emotions. Nothing really matters when you’re up there; you can just express yourself and your feelings, free from fear of persecution. Each moment is different from each of the others. And each one in turn slips away into the past, never to be expressed, felt, cherished, or loved again.

Copper-colored strings stretch out under a heavy, black sky of dark wood which dissolves into the repetitive two-tone rows of keys. The bench stands firm and attentive beneath me, waiting for something monumental to occur. The connection from my fingertips to the keyboard is electrically tangible. Only the piano and I have ever spoken like this before; it’s a conversation so intimate and deep that it will never be heard or spoken the same way again. Only we have danced like this before, felt like this before, expressed this deep, intricate, passionate, mysterious love for each other before. We are singly committed to each other and to the creation of music, an art form as emotional as it is deeply meaningful.

I have never laughed with, loved, enjoyed, and harmonized with another person in the same way as when playing music with them. The instruments, the people, and the sounds all come together in an unbreakable, intense bond. Love is produced in many ways, but only through music is it as intimate and deep.

It’s that connection that gives me hope that one day the world will be a better place and that we will all realize the similarities between all of us through the power of music. We are all deeply intertwined whether it’s immediately visible or not. Music removes the veils of ignorant hate, unearthing the complex connections beneath.

Never have I listened, talked, and conversed better than when sitting before a piano. The ecstasy can never be felt any other way. Only through the piano can I fully live and express the way I must to live on another day. The piano and I will never be apart. We are connected physically, emotionally, and most importantly, intimately.

I feel more emotions and feelings through music than I have ever felt any other way. Music changes us and it makes us feel things differently. We will never be the same people again, but the music will always be with us.

Love, Ethan Brown Jones

Why Do We Fear Change?

I fear that which I cannot predict yet I also fear the truth.

Why is it that we fear change so much? Life moves on around us constantly and it would seem that we are rooted firmly in the past, knowing not what the future holds and resenting ourselves immensely for that. We like stability and security, and so change scares us.

I have always felt like a person who’s prepared for whatever comes my way. But recently I have feeling substantially more fearful of the future. I will be moving not only towns soon, but also to a new state and region entirely, and I will be doing that alone. I think we fear change in this way because it is a loss of security, a loss of basic comforts that we must face alone. When we embrace change, we are going out on a limb and becoming someone new; we are doing that entirely on our own, and that frightens us.

In our everyday lives, although we may not realize it, we are constantly met by things that are normal for us and thus subconsciously comforting. And so when life changes, we are then forced to acquire new comforts and create new normalcy in our new lives. Newness is what scares us; we are afraid of the unknown future. But we must travel on in our lives, or we will never go anywhere.

Change is often the best thing for us, but it is also one of the scariest things. We fear change mainly because it means that all we have known will not be the same anymore which is undeniably terrifying for everyone on this earth.

As I look back at my life thus far, there have not been many changes of magnitude. But as I look forward, my career, my location, and my personal life are all uncertain which alarms me. I am a person who likes to be in control and the fact that I am not and will not be for a least a little while horrifies me.

What we all need to realize though is that we are the sole creators of our future and we have the power to change our destiny any way we want to. In my own life, I have realized that while I make the transition from rural Colorado to Long Island, New York, I must be willing to sacrifice some control for the benefits that the change will generate. And I must also be willing to step up and take control of my life to change my life the way I want to change it.

I was talking to someone the other day who was describing how she was close to retirement and scared of both a change in her future financial security and a change in her purpose in life. And the primary emotion I heard was fear, fear for the future and of things she could not control. And what I thought to myself was that this woman had a right to be scared. I understood her fear, because I have those same types of concerns for my future.

I think people are remarkably similar and vulnerable too, when it comes to their fears for the future. But what we all must realize is that fear of change is okay, but we must embrace change in order to move forward. Change is a piece of life and it’s the reason that life is interesting.

So accept your justified concerns as a way of comprehending your options. And overall, embrace your future and live your life the way you want to live it; change is just part of the journey.

Love, Ethan Brown Jones

Questioning the Dark

What is it that drives us on each day? Is it stamina, or personality, or love? Maybe it is simply the hope that tomorrow will be better, brighter, and happier than today. Maybe we are driven by the realization that hard work pays off more than lazing away each day in slumber. Are we driven by fate, or simply a desire for truth and reality? Do we live each day just waiting for the impossible to strike us? Or are we waiting for our rehearsed daily routine to suddenly give us fulfillment and contentment? What do we dream of in the thick black night? Do we dream of death, a life waiting to be lived, or a life that is not ours and never will be? Do we ask ourselves why? Why am I here? What is purpose? And relative to the former, what is mine? Do we realize the hate that breeds around us, or are we simply content that ignorance is bliss?

Sitting in the lonely, suffocating dark, more questions seem to plague me than there are answers for in this lifetime and maybe even this universe. And yet, I’m okay with it. There are only so many minutes in a day. These questions can’t all be solved in a day, or a year, or even a decade. Perhaps a lifetime of pondering will suffice; perhaps not.

The day we grow up is the day we lose our sense of reality. When we leave our childhood, we set sail on a sea of a million queries, each one separate, but relatable to the others only in that there is seemingly no answer. Maybe we learn the answers to what’s my purpose or who am I when we finally leave the nest for college and beyond. And maybe we feel content in our daily routine in our young adulthood. But I’m sure that no matter how sure of ourselves we appear to be, each one of us is concealing the dreaded feeling of longing, the insatiable lust for something more in our lives. We all hope that one day in the distant future these catechisms and doubts will go away, but I impugn whether they are ever truly expected to be cast away.

I believe that sitting in the dark with nothing but our thoughts and a busy mind to interest us, we learn the most about both our own nature, and human nature in general. But questioning life and ourselves is just a guide along the path to enlightenment, a necessary step if you will. So question, doubt, deny, challenge, and realize, life’s questions remain unanswered for a reason.

Love, Ethan Brown Jones

A Life’s Compilation

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Lying in the dark, all of ones secrets are kept. The tears that stream down ones face seem too disappear, absorbed into the reassuring blanket of black. In the darkness, nothing is assumed, only admired and experienced. As I lie in the blackness, time seems to stand still. Everything seems to settle and resolve itself. The darkness is neither friend nor foe, but simply, a companion.

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As days go by, we feel different, we live differently. Feelings are some of the hardest things to explain, yet they are inexplicably human. We can go through a day feeling pain, joy, sadness, love, and rejection. We can go through a day feeling nothing- just emptiness, and confusion. Conflicted and unstable, feelings are one of the hardest things to conceive about ourselves.

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We are defined by the people in our lives, by the connections and relationships we share with others. Life is made up of moments, little expressions, minuscule emotional changes. Each emotion is but a delicate petal on the flower of an emotional soul. Each day is just a rung on the never-ending but fleeting itinerary of life.

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Gazing through moments, we are reminded of a life that has yet to be lived, a future that has yet to commence. Looking back on the past, it’s possible to explore the friends we have loved, the people we miss, the moments we regret. Gazing through moments we feel some of the most incomprehensible and immense feelings. We feel regret and longing for the past, we feel love and depression for now, and we feel hope, motivation, and inspiration for the future.

Gazing through life, we stand still, remembering better times and hardships past. Gazing through life, we are confused about who we are, yet we uncover the most extravagant truths of ourselves. Gazing through life, we remember the moments that uniquely define us.

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A leaf can express so much in its simplicity. A tree can have a complete knowledge of life in its quiet complexion. Fall is a season of remembrance, thought, and inward investigation. Fall is a time to lose oneself in the view from the window, to bed down in a comfy sweater and jeans and just think. Fall is a time to reminisce, to forget, to hope. Life is about doing and living and moving constantly, but autumn is a time for just sitting and thinking, coming to understandings about life that were inconceivable just months before.

In the autumn, one learns more about themselves than at any other point in the year. We learn about our strengths, our virtues, but most of all we learn about our faults. We learn about what makes the essence of a being both unique and ideal, and what makes it realistic and human.

In the autumn, we learn as much about existence as we do about our inner being.  Fall brings with it thoughts of decay, death, and ephemeral destiny. But it also brings with it murmurings of rebirth, destiny, and fate. As one looks at the leaves, watching as each and every one, so much like the others, turns its hue to gold, and relinquishes its grasp on youth, one learns so much about life.

Leaves and trees embody such an astounding simile to life. As life, the leaves must change, they must live and grow and breathe and inevitably die, just like each phase and moment of life, so implausibly everlasting yet youthfully elated. The leaves bare an existence that is real; they manifest not only the ideal utopia, but also the tormented affliction that is reality.

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With life as it is, short and inevitable, I attempt to live each day in contentment. Each day is meaningful, but terse, and so life continues.

Love, Ethan Brown Jones